These last 3 weeks have been nothing short of a rollercoaster ride. It took me awhile to understand I was experiencing growth in a way I hadn’t before. When we grow out of our clothes, what do we tend to do? Some women’s favorite past time, of course! We go shopping for new ones! But what do you do when you’re growing on the inside, and everything around you doesn’t seem to fit anymore? When it has nothing to do with the external things, but the tension of this new thing inside, is so palpable?
Doing “whatever it takes’ is no foreign dynamic to me. Amongst close circles, you can quote me saying, ‘If I have to give up my house for whatever God wants to do I would” or “if He required me to drain my savings, then I will”, and I have. I wouldn’t begin to take credit for the faith that God has built in me, or had I? Without consciously knowing, could that have been a source of pride brewing in a way unrecognizable to me, and kept me stuck from going to the next level for years? I didn’t know this, until I was faced with one of His biggest doors opening. A door I was trying really hard to close because frankly, it looked janky. I was met with a quick rebuke by Him saying, “I’m wrapped up in a lot of things that look janky!”
Directed to apply for a non-profit, charitable, national tour, weeks of wondering if it was a scam, I finally put the $20 down to apply. I was called back and invited to a highly recommended “meet and greet” in Nashville. It’s not guaranteed even then that we are picked for the roster in going to Nashville, but they’ve also made it worth your while in providing coaching for live performances, giving you opportunities to shop your music to industry heads that are gathered every year just for this event. In true God form, there are names that are a part of this gathering that I had hoped to “someday” be coached by, so at that point I knew it wasn’t a scam. So why was I still hesitant in participating? You may think this sounds amazing, and it is, but put yourself in my shoes for a minute. Between some other creative commitments, being a business & homeowner on the cusp of taxes being due, trying to prevent burnout, and still spending quality time with the people I love most, I don’t have time for this! And the amount of resources that would make this a comfortable thing to just throw in the mix, are just not there.
My history with taking directives from God has been rather “easy”. Not without it’s pain points, I just surrendered quickly to the pattern of: hear and do. It keeps the conversation and the dynamics really simple between God and I. A comfort of being able to look at each other from across the room, and understand exactly what to do, without a word. This time, it was different, because what do you do when all of sudden you have an opinion about the directive He has you going in, and it does not align with His? As this was happening, our conversation took on the dynamics of a child with a stern Father. I realize in some people’s experiences, this is all they know, but it didn’t sit right with me because, I was used to speaking like intimate lovers with Him. I didn’t much like this kind of dynamic, & was desperately trying to get back to a closer dialogue, but my opinions of why this was worth my time and effort was getting in the way. And when did this opinion all of sudden pop up?
Don’t get me wrong, our opinions are valuable to God, as long as it is Him we are filtering them with and through. Without that, all kinds of devils and disillusionments can born themselves in the wormholes of our minds. I try my very best to be careful to guard myself against that. In doing so, and pressing into seek His perspective, listening to sermon after sermon by T.D. Jakes, soaking in The Word, conversations in the car while He rides shotgun, I realized it wasn’t the end result of just hearing and doing that gave me the most relief. It was the process that unearthed old, deep fears of making a mistake, protection from disappointments, sabotage masked as responsibility, fear of judgement. and just plain old fear of being placed in a scenario with “industry” people that was such a vicious experience in my past. You see, you couldn’t make a mistake in the house I grew up in. A spill as a kid resulted in a severe beating, almost to the point that it seemed like I was already being abused for thinking of making a mistake. Taking on responsibilities at a young age from the neglect of an absent family, I took on things that weren’t mine, but if it looked like service, and I was “taking care” of people, it had to be right, right? It took weeks of pressing into this conversation everyday to get to the bottom of it all, but finally the dynamic that I loved and recognized was back: a conversation between two lovers.
I kept on hearing, “your mistakes are covered’, “I’m with you”, and “I need you to trust me, no matter how it looks”. When I woke up yesterday, after saying the Lord’s Prayer, a peace came over me. I knew something had shifted. I expressed to my Lover, that I don’t want to be quick to give up the house, and many other blessings He has me stewarding for an unknown one. That everything, He has given me is sacred, and if it came down to that, I would, but not in overzealousness. That I realize He is doing a new thing in me, and it is right to be cautious as T.D. Jakes says “the bigger the opportunities, the more the crocodiles.” I expressed to Him, that it is right to move slowly, with careful consideration in making these decisions even if the results were the same. I expressed to Him, it is right to consider others, even though, this is a ticket for one. A space was opened up in me, to see no matter how new things may look, it’s the good old fashioned faith, recognizable in an unchanging God that is what I need the most in becoming a new thing. No matter where we go, how our lives change, what we do, what we think we do for Him, and how He is actually growing us, I’m thankful He is constant and consistent. So is my faith, my faith at all, or has it always been His all along? I hope to humbly endeavor in that blurred line for all of my days.
“I am the Ancient of Days”